spacer
Role Upheaval - The Betrayal of the Sexes
Posted by Joseph Riggio on Saturday, August 05, 2006It seems the world it is a changin’ all the time ... and with the change comes additonal pressure on us to understand our roles in the world - especially what it means to be who we are. My sense is that what it means to be a man or a woman today demands a more deliberate approach and choices than have ever been required before in our history.
Howdy all ... and welcome to the weekend,
I got a couple of responses to my posting yesterday, The Evolution of Man, the majority seemed to question my comments re: women choosing their breeding partners and determining the evolution of the species - both biologically and culturally.
I was reading in another blog today, Villainous Company, about the role of women in marriage, which ultimately went onto question what it is to be a woman today. (There's that "ontological" question again - BTW, Villainous Company is written by a woman about her life, as one I suspect.)
In some ways, while a much more "modern" argument than mine there were aspects of her posting that resonated for me as well. I agree that the ... the world it is a'changin' ... and we either keep up or we get left behind. Of course we can resist - and lots of folks do, some of you know that my opinion is that the whole of the trouble we're seeing today in terms of international conflict - what some are calling "World War III" - is all about this resistance against allowing for the natural process of cultural evolution. However, it seems to me that we don't have to look far from home to see this conflict, for example:
And the ties that bound our parents and grandparents together no longer seem to bind us as closely. Our children seem to struggle against societal expectations. When the world was still a hostile place, cooperation with other people was a precious survival tool. It allowed us to pool our resources and overcome the challenges posed by our environment. Specialization of roles in society ensured that things were done efficiently. But now that technology has eliminated many of the challenges we used to face, we can all afford to be generalists. - from: Villainous Company, What A Long, Strange Trip It's Been, Baby, August 04, 2006
Right in our own backyards so to speak we are undergoing a challenge to what we know to be true regarding how we relate to one another as men and women. "What's expected of us, what's expected by us - in our relationships with one another" These are no longer easy questions to answer as they once would have been. It's no longer so simple as to say - "ME MAN - I provide" and "YOU WOMAN - you take care of house and children."
The current expectations foisted upon us by society include not only, "You can do anything." for both young men and young women, but more "You must do everything." And, from my observations this seems to literally mean ... EVERYTHING!.
The young adults I know are hell-bent on doing EVERYTHING! ... having many relationships (we won't take about "rainbow kisses" or "snowballs" for instance), getting a good job, traveling the world, making a lot of money, being an environmentalist, being a good global citizen, living the good life, having a spectacular home, being in the perfect marriage (someday ... after most of the above has been taken care of first), raising the perfect children (even later on after the perfect marriage has been established) ... I wonder how many of them think they must receive the Nobel Prize as well before they die? IT'S RIDICULOUS!!!
Personally, I see this as a function of growing up in world which has come to the cusp of the values set I call, the "Hedonists" position. This is after all the "Age of Aquarius" where anything and everything is possible - and all it takes is a little pseudo-science, a little magical thinking ... and a willingness to compromise everything else. Then you can indeed ... HAVE EVERYTHING!
So, what's the option ... for me it seems all to simple, Knowing Who You Are First and only then ... Choosing What You Want - and accepting the consequences of what that will take to get. This used to be known as "taking responsibility for one's self" ... now this seems like a ridiculous concept to some in the new-fangled Age of Aquarius ... but than again I am after all an old-fashioned kinda' guy.
Any doors I can open for you ladies?
Joseph Riggio, Ph.D.
Princeton, NJ
And another thing...I get frustrated with feminist theory/thought b/c I feel like in their struggle and “fight"against oppression - in their quest to be equal to men that they forget and leave behind all that is awesome and beautiful about being female. We should be celebrating all that is female - I mean, we’re goddesses for cryin’ out loud 
And, they’re fine supporting women as long as it supports their feminist framework and belief system and women that choose something else - like staying at home and taking care of the children - are ostracized. I would say that the hard core feminist out there have 6 tendencies, talking all about equality and fairness but only in their way...and I can’t stand the male bashing!
I had a whole huge comment before the previous one on this blog post that somehow didn’t make it through...I’ll make it shorter this time.
The reason that this whole topic perhapss jazzes me up is that I’m part of the generation that you’re describing. And while I would say that “I’m not that way,” I definitely have friends who are. They are trying to do and have everything b/c they’ve been told that they could and really are having less. The thing is, is that the question of “what do you want?” is SO hard to answer for me and maybe it is b/c by committing to one thing, you’re closing the door on everything else.
I also think that many women are going back to more “traditional” roles, choosing to stay at home and aren’t really interested in their careers. Most of my friends who have had babies have chosen this path and absolutely LOVE it, even though some of the hard core feminist would bite their head off for it.
(I once had a big time “feminist” professor try to convince me that I was oppressed by men and that I was just in denial about it. It was prompted by me saying that I did want to have children someday. And she told me that women should be more than just baby machines. Hated that class.)
I’ve read in some articles (sorry, I can’t think of the sources) that more and more gen x’ers are staying at home and have ideas that are drastically different than their boomer parents’.
Also, there’s quite of few in my generation that are completely disenfranchised with all the crap that came from their boomer parents. I’m no voice for my generation, but I have the same conversations with all my friends, so this blog sparked a little fire in me.
I’ve really like you’re blogs a lot lately.
Allison
I am of the feminist generation. and was in my late teens, early twenties when it started...but I am not a feminist and I don’t have one friend who is...strange that.
Maybe they all became college teachers!
At the time...I remember thinking.. this is crazy… so I came up with my own philosophy… I wanted men to respect me for my intelligence and my talents and if they wanted to open doors I was going to accept graciously.
And there are a lot of women who’ve had to learn to fend for themselves.. left alone with children.. they’ve had to learn how to do DIY, fix their car… and they’ve become fiercely independent. And sometimes it’s easy to forget.. that like this we aren’t giving men much space to be men..
Recently I had an experience where I was sitting on the floor and was about to get up when a man reached out his hand to help me. Now I do yoga, I’m supple and fairly fit and can easily get myself off the floor, but at that moment I let go and surrendered. I took his hand and thanked him for his help.
In that instant I got that my actions were significant for me and for him. I was allowing him to be a man by being a woman..and it felt right. It made me think that if I want men to take back their roles, I have to make the space and opportunity for them to do so..
I recently read an article in a national newspaper..’Oh for manly men’..illustrated by a picture of Russel Crowe in Gladiator.
The article was a demand for men to change.. She mentioned a book called ‘The A to Z of Manliness’ which last month got to #2 in the New York Times Best seller list..
According to her 40 years of feminism has confused the hell out of men who no longer know what we want… she goes on to say.. it’s pretty simple..we want a real man..She says she’d rather be treated like a lady than an equal in absolutely every field.
I understand where she’s coming from but it’s interesting that she put the whole onus on the men.. never once asking ‘How do I have to be in order to have this happen? If we women want to influence a shift in men..then we have to decide what we want and act accordingly..
And yes, Joseph, you can open the door, lift my suitcase out of the car and pull my chair out at dinner anytime… I’m beginning to enjoy being more of a woman.. as a wise man once said to me.. Like steel at the core velvet on the outside..
Guilty as charged! I am very much part of this “instant gratification society"… I find myself being impatient and not tolerating anything less than perfect service anywhere, anytime. I don’t tolerate any waiting at the bank, any pain at the dentist’s, any pressure at the airport, any narrow seats in the airplane, and any less than perfectly fresh veggies in my salad at the restaurant and I want a taxi as soon as I raise up my hand!
Yes, I agree this is a hedonistic society, of instant gratification, and disposable relationships, where a person can be discarded easily if he/she makes life challenging.
Yet, love, and the kinds of relationship I lust for, I realize they will be taking me out of my comfort zone, initially blissful, perhaps and eventually uncomfortable in some ways… It is the only way, I believe, to experience the deep sharing! To depart from the comfort zone and accept that this will inevitably happen when two unique and different individuals come close. Then, the beloved, the one who takes me out of my comfort zone, becomes the most welcome teacher, leading me to the unseen side of the moon… to another zone completely. Not to paradise, but to a terra incognita inside of me…
His being different and challenging to me, makes me grow and understand more of me.
Does this make sense, or am I just a masochist?
Agnes
